From: WALTER 2-MAR-1994 10:10: To: MONOPOLE Subj: Shift Report week of Feb. 24th. All Things Considered Shift Report for Thur Feb. 24th. [Note: all quotes are true as attributed EXCEPT the one by S. Mufson] ------------------------------------------------------ PRESENT: R. Baker, K. Scholberg, B. Nolty, C. Walter* Today on All Things Considered: Stricter gun control in Bloomington Indiana, Doug Michael on figure skating judging, and MACRO's most dangerous measurement device "hand me the DVM will you? ... OWWWWW!". First this news: I'm Chris Walter at the Gran Sasso with these news headlines: - Rich Baker reported today the source of the end leak in 2B04 has been found. There is a crack in the housing at one of the screw holes. Various methods of repair are being discussed. - All of the fixed body leakers in MACRO now have tubes. - ERP pedestal calibrations were started on SM1. Here is Rich Baker with the details[and the scrabble scores]: "All[3] of[5] the[6] new[6] cards[8] for[6] the[6] attico[8] have[10] pedestal[11] 0[0]. We[5] are[3] working[15] to[2] adjust[14] them[10]. -Rich[9] Baker[11] reporting[12]" - Bob Nolty announced today that he had pumped the oil out of all of the east face T layer tubes which need work. Reaction from the international community is expected shortly. -The continuing month long saga of the abduction and holding for ransom of the Textronix analog scope in Rome seems to be continuing without hope of resolution. It was a month ago that the scope was last seen by loved ones and despite intensive diplomatic efforts with Textronix by the staff of Gran Sasso they remain separated. - Bob Nolty also announced today that due to secretly held intensive consultations with Gary Ludlam of Boston that the LED calibration code is now working. When reached for comment all Mr. Ludlam had to say was something about professional wrestling. - The long awaited arrival of Kate Scholberg at the Gran Sasso finally has occurred. Informed sources speaking on condition of anonymity claim that she is carrying the new Inter-Erp TDC module. - Kate Scholberg also claimed today that she had finished the gain setting for SM 4 and SM 5 and 6 were almost done. In addition she reports a new failure mode of the LED switchboxes where they pump large amounts of current out of their output(hot enough to burn you if you touch the terminator). - In a news conference today Chris Walter reported on his continuing work relating to splitter boxes. He has been re-measuring bases, and the splitter boxes themselves with the "most dangerous measuring instrument in MACRO(tm)." He also has been sorting, installing, and making boxes. [music] dum-dum-dum-dum dum-dum-dum-dum dum-dum-dum-dum dum dum dum "Pop.... Pop..... Pop.... The shots ring out over the cool clear Indiana country side. The young physics graduate student with the U.S.S Nimitz baseball cap and the faithful Abruzzo sheep dog admires his hand-gun lovingly as he blows away tin cans and people with whom his political views differ sharply. However, all is not calm in the center of the country. Stu Mufson is a professor at University of Indiana: "These young yahoo graduate students with their conservative ideas and their weapons. I just don't get it. But I'll show them; I'm not going to retire until the day I die!" The situation in Bloomington is only indicative of the larger problems of the country as a whole. Conservative physics graduate students who work for unstable older liberal advisors are allowed to own weapons. When will the insanity end? This is Nina Totenburg reporting." This week in Washington we all watched with baited breath the Olympic battle of the year. We are talking of course about the winter biatholon where Nordic olympians vie for the opportunity to ski and shoot at each other. However, the rest of the country was riveted to figure skating and the high-drama that accompanies it. We were wondering how the sometimes confusing scoring for figure skating works so we decided to contact Doug Michael, noted expert on everything: "If I were a figure skating judge and you fell down you would get a 1. It would be all over. Figure skaters have no business falling down." Finally this afternoon on All Things Considered we decided to investigate the rumors we had heard about the "Most Dangerous Measuring Device in MACRO(tm)". We contacted C. Walter, the supposed designer of the device. We reached him deep underground in Italy. "Hello Mr. Walter?" "Speak up will you. I am deep underground." "So Mr. Walter could you describe this device to us?" "Well, basically it is a high-voltage to banana plug adapter" "Isn't that unsafe?" "Well it depends. If it is used as it was designed: to measure base resistances, drive cattle, and test splitter boxes it should be fine. However, if you were to follow the advice of my colleague Bob Nolty and shove it up someone's nostrils I can't be held responsible." "I see. Thank you." Thank you, -Chris