From:   DIEHL          6-NOV-1993 09:24:
To:     MONOPOLE
Subj:   Shift Report 6 Nov, 1993
 
         "Measurement of Shiftworker Livetime With the MACRO Experiment"

       In partial fulfillment of the requirements for a shiftworker.
        Edward Diehl -- University of Michigan -- November 6, 1993 

        Abstract:  We place limits on shiftworker livetime from data taken from
the MACRO experiment.   We are 90% confidant that these are limits.

                     (this line left intentionally blank)

    Acknowledgements.  The author wishes to thank the following people for
stimulating discussions:  Rich Baker, Colin Okada, Gary Ludlam, John Hong, Alec
Habig, Ersilia Giusti, Stas Mikeyev, Sophia K., John Hanson, Neil Pignatano,
Nat Longley, but not Doug Michael.

...

    Chapter 5.  Analysis.  This entire work rests on the interpretation of
figure 1 below.  As can be readily seen shiftworker productivity is
anticorelated with proximity of Doug Michael to MACRO.  This data was taking
while Doug was driving up to CERN this week using a GPS mounted on his vehicle.


       Shiftworker      |   +
      Productivity      |     +
     (arbitrary units)  |        +
                        |             +
                        |                    +              
                        _________________________
                        Distance of Doug Michael from MACRO
                                Figure 1.

    Hence we conclude that shiftworker livetime approaches calender time when
Doug is near and becomes vanishingly small when he is distant.  We leave it to
the theoretical astrophysists to postulate some otherwise completely
unmotivated physical law to explain this effect.
...